


To Run with the Doctor

by Helioste (themedic_josef)



Category: Doctor Who
Genre: M/M, Male OC - Freeform, OC, Paternoster Gang, References to Depression, Trans Male Character, everything is miserable, for a bit, mention of suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-07
Updated: 2019-02-13
Packaged: 2019-10-24 01:09:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17694704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/themedic_josef/pseuds/Helioste
Summary: To run with the Doctor is an honour to many who know him, and often the safest place in the universe. But sometimes, the Doctor can make mistakes and get in way over his head. With his newest companion, he makes one hell of a mistake and spends a lot of time trying to make it up to him.----- Set after Series 7a and before 7b, with a brief look-in on 'the Dark Times' -----





	1. Meeting the Doctor (and a ghost)

**Author's Note:**

> Alright this is my first Doctor Who fic ever, despite having watched it since it came back in 2005 when I was just a kid haha go figure. It's a bit self-insertish and by that I mean I've just put aspects of myself into the main character of this, it isn't necessarily a giant rip from reality. I've never written Eleven before, so please bear with me.
> 
> General warning, if you decided to ignore the tags, but there's references to depression and attempted suicide. This is the only time attempted suicide will happen in this fic (assuming this becomes a regular thing I update, which is unlikely knowing me), but still be warned.

Jay Blakemore was bored out of his mind. He was sat in a lecture, near the front unfortunately, and was running on empty. His focus had long since shifted since they came back from a break, about an hour and a half into the lecture itself. Now they’d all been waiting for the tutor to come back for around fifteen minutes and already he was bored. Jay was doodling into one of his notebooks next to him, head rested on his hand as he doodled. He felt like he was on the verge of just falling asleep. Just as his eyes started to slip closed, the door banged open and the entire class jumped.

“Hello! I’m your new tutor, apologies for the interruption! I’m afraid the tutor you had before your break has gone home ill! Now, I’m not an official tutor on this particular subject but I am a _very_ good stand-in for the time being!” A cheerful voice said, loudly greeting the class as a young man trot down the stairs to the front of the lecture theatre. He seemed odd, to say the least, and had a smile that stretched from one side of his face to the other. Dressed in a tweed jacket and a… a _bowtie_ of all things around his neck, he took up a relaxed position at the front of the class. Confidence and sass practically oozed from this man as he scanned his eyes about the room, soon meeting with Jay’s eyes at the front of the class.

“Who are you? Where’s Tom gone?” One of the students asked from towards the back, frowning at this stranger that had just strolled into the theatre.

“Don’t you lot listen? I said your tutor’s gone home ill! I’m one of the substitute tutors, your university posted me here because your education is _very_ important and I’m not one for ignoring important things.”

“But who _are_ you?” Another student asked. The stranger just grinned widely.

“I’m the Doctor.” He said, straightening his bowtie with a smile. “And I’m here to take your lecture today.”

* * *

 

Jay’s head was _spinning_. The Doctor had charged through the actual lecture material at practically a hundred miles an hour, and was now talking about something else entirely. Jay wasn’t sure what it was anymore, he’d lost track a good five minutes ago and it was becoming evident that spacing out for five minutes in a conversation with the Doctor was all you’d need to do to lose track _completely_.

“-now, you lot won’t get to this stage for, ooh, maybe millennia? But it’s admirable that you’re all trying to work out how to travel in time! I love the tenacity of the human race, don’t you? It’s simply inspiring, even though it doesn’t half border on stubbornness half the time.” The Doctor rambled, pacing back and forth rapidly. It was like someone had injected black coffee into him and just let him loose, and it was jarring to Jay.

After a moment, the Doctor seemed to just stop and glance at his watch. “Ah, looks like we are out of time. Well, it was lovely talking to you all! Hopefully we have another one of these lectures soon!”

Everyone was slow to leave, packing up their things as the Doctor just watched. Jay was slow too, and had so many questions. He watched the Doctor carefully, and was careful not to look away when this man’s gaze turned to his own.

“Everything alright?” He asked cheerfully, stepping over to the young man. Jay blinked.

“Are you… are you a real tutor? Like, are you actually certified to be here? Because I blanked for five minutes and suddenly you’re talking about faster than light travel, time travel and god knows what else.” Jay couldn’t stop himself from saying as he pulled his rucksack over one shoulder. “I don’t mean to be rude, but I just wanted to ask. I’ve never had a lecture like that before.”

“Was it a good lecture?” The Doctor asked, a calm smile on his face. Jay heard the door close behind him; he was the last one left there.

“I… I think so? It was pretty intense I guess.” Jay admitted, scratching the back of his head uncertainly. There was a certain charm about this man, the longer Jay stayed in his presence, and it was almost… alluring.

“Did you enjoy it?”

“Yes.” Jay said before he could stop himself. “I was falling asleep before you came charging in. It was intense, but a good kind of intense, you know?”

The Doctor grinned. “I know. Now, you run along. You’ve got things to do, subjects to study, and I’ve also got things to do. Don’t want to be kept here after dark.”

That last part was almost sinister, but Jay didn’t question it. Instead he nodded, turned, and left.

* * *

 

Jay didn’t see the Doctor again after that meeting, after that spontaneous and frankly bizarre lecture. It was as if the man had disappeared off the face of the planet altogether and it seemed that no one that had been in that lecture remembered him either. It was baffling, and a little bit concerning. Jay thought he’d had some kind of psychosis at first, thinking he’d hallucinated the whole thing. Or maybe had fallen asleep and dreamt the whole thing up. But it had felt so _real_. It started to haunt him, following him everywhere – the ‘what if’ scenario. What if he was going insane? What if he already was? What if that whole thing had happened and everyone decided to play it off just to mess with him?

It drove his mood down two months after the lecture, Jay finding it hard to focus or even cope with any of the work for his course. He kept checking over his shoulder, as if expecting the Doctor to be standing there with that cocksure grin on his face. Always nothing.

Six months after the lecture, depression took hold. He barely passed his course, barely got his degree. After that it was all a downward spiral and seeking the help of therapists for five years. Five years of paranoia, thinking he was hallucinating, bouts of anxiety and depression. Five years of checking over his shoulder constantly and hardly sleeping at night. The stress and insomnia started to prevent him from finding a proper job, or line of work. That only succeeded in getting him down further. In meetings with his present therapist, Jay found it harder to talk about the Doctor.

“Why don’t you tell me about this figure you keep seeing?” The therapist prompted gently, and Jay shifted uncomfortably. For years all his friends had told him there was no one there, and that this ‘Doctor’ of his didn’t exist. That he was probably losing it.

“I don’t know if he’s even really there half the time, I keep catching glimpses of him in windows and in the street. But I never know if he’s there.” As much as he didn’t really want to talk about it, he found he couldn’t stop himself from talking.

“Like a ghost?”

“Not really. Like I keep seeing him out of the corner of my eye, in that stupid tweed jacket and bowtie and smiling all the while. I literally followed a shadow across the city and got myself lost, all because I thought I saw him disappear down a street. I followed _nothing_ for two hours and got lost, like a moron.” Jay started to berate himself, fists clenched.

“What did we talk about with the negativities?” His therapist said gently, and Jay sighed and nodded. He took a moment and a deep breath with it. “Do you feel like this is becoming an obsession, or is it more of a fear of seeing him again?”

“I wouldn’t say an obsession. I’m not actively searching for him, and sometimes I just don’t want to see him there at all. It isn’t like a haunting either, it’s just that sometimes I can’t stop myself thinking about him. He was so… _strange_ , in that lecture. Full of all this energy and enough confidence to power a city. And the things he said too, they were so… so out there. Time travel, faster than light travel, wormholes, paradoxes. He rambled a lot, and I lost focus at one point, but he spoke about it like it were all real and possible and happening.” Jay frowned. “And when I made eye contact with him that first time, it was just… there was something about it, I don’t know what, but something about his eyes. It was like it drew me in closer and made me want to know everything about him.”

Jay sighed and ran a hand over his face, closing his eyes. He felt so tired, and caught himself wondering if seeing the Doctor so often was just a result of lack of sleep for five years. It was getting harder to tell. Now, it was beginning to feel like a mirage. But there and then, in the moments after the lecture, it felt so real, so vivid.

“Do you see any other figures? Anyone else following you?”

“No, it’s always the Doctor and only him. And I’ve already been checked out for all the other kinds of mental illnesses that cause hallucinations, and they don’t check out with my… my ‘symptoms’.” Jay sighed deeply, shaking his head. “I don’t know anymore. I’m trying to just take up hobbies and do other things to try and drown it out, with mixed results.”

“What kinds of things are you doing?”

“Art, playing games. Hah, I learnt to crochet at some point so I’m trying to just bury my head in wool and yarn.” Jay admitted, cheeks a little flushed at saying that aloud. Many of his friends had made fun of him for learning how to do that, even family members too. “I’m going to a music festival in a few months, with some friends who think I could do with a break. They’re right, obviously. But yeah, that should be something to look forward to, right?”

His therapist smiled and nodded. “It absolutely is. I suggest you really throw yourself into that festival, and enjoy every single aspect of it available. Have fun, relax, and forget about the Doctor.”

* * *

 

It was loud and smelled strongly of tobacco and what was probably weed, with an aside stench of alcohol and sweat. Normally this kind of environment would never appeal to Jay, ever. But he needed a break and he’d been looking forward to this music festival for _months_. The music was loud and made his ribcage rattle, with excitement and the vibrations of the speakers. He was having fun, and that was good. He hadn’t genuinely enjoyed something in a while and it was a good change of pace from his normal fretting and worrying. He’d long since lost track of his friends, but that didn’t matter so much right now. Right now, he was just taking a small breather at the side of the crowds and having a quiet drink. Well, as quiet as it would get in this place. The bands that were playing really knew how to play loud and fast and appeal to just about every single person in the crowd. It wasn’t a big festival, just a rented out theatre hall in the city centre, but the noise and the crowds made it seem _huge_. It was wonderful.

Then he saw it. Saw _him_. Out of the corner of his eye, Jay saw the Doctor. He saw tweed disappearing into the crowds, and he bit down on the inside of his cheek. It scared him to see that, and he loathed himself for wanting to chase it. Carefully, he finished his drink and followed into the crowds. He weaved in and out as best he could, avoiding various limbs and elbows that threatened to take an eye out as he moved. He’d lost the sight of tweed and sighed. Again, he was chasing nothing. Jay looked up from where he’d briefly looked down to glare at no one in particular, and saw a familiar face. It wasn’t any of his friends, oh no far from that. It was _the Doctor_. Smiling at him, that smile bidding him closer, inviting him in. Jay’s heart jumped and he moved his feet again, passing through the thick of the crowd until he stepped into the tiniest clear patch. Opposite him, sans tweed jacket and with braces holding up the skinniest of trousers physically possible, with the cocksure grin on his face and bowtie, was the Doctor.

Jay’s cheeks began to burn in the warmth of the packed hall, and he was quietly convinced he must have looked disgusting and sweaty since he’d not taken off his denim jacket upon entering the hall two hours previously. He could scarcely believe his eyes either, and he stared the Doctor up and down.

“Hello.” The Doctor smiled, overly calm for someone who could radiate the amount of energy needed to successfully bounce off the walls.

“Are you real?” Jay breathed, eyes widened and hands shaking as he reached up as if to touch the Doctor’s chest. He hesitated, and withdrew his hand.

“Yes.” Came the gentle response, tone calm and warm and somehow heard so clearly over the din. It was such a giant relief, and Jay smiled and closed his eyes. It was only for a moment, he laughed to himself softly as he realised he wasn’t going mad, and opened his eyes again.

The Doctor was gone.

His smile vanished with him, and Jay’s heart sank. He’d only had his eyes closed for a moment, how could anyone slip away so quickly in a place like this? He began to panic, moving through the crowds again until he came out on the other side. Still not Doctor in sight. The young man even worked up the courage to ask the security staff if they’d seen a guy in braces and a red shirt. No one had seen such a man that night, and it stuck with Jay as he quietly left.

When he walked out into the night air, a bitter chill snapped at his cheeks. Jay was angry at himself for thinking for a moment that he wasn’t mad, for hallucinating an actual interaction with the Doctor. He’d never done that before, and he was furious with himself as well as just being quite disappointed. He had been enjoying the night so far, and all it had taken to ruin it was one interaction with a god damned ghost. He gripped his phone in one hand and checked the time. Gone midnight. An angered sigh came out as a billow white breath, Jay turning on his heel and storming off home.

* * *

 

It had been three months after the festival hallucination, and Jay found himself despairing and stood on top of a bridge, overlooking a river. He was at his wit’s end now, and had ceased sleeping altogether. Hardly any of his friends spoke to him anymore, even the patient ones who stuck with him through the five years. His life had become a living hell, every waking second spent worrying about what he might see that day. All because of the Doctor.

He’d not been to his therapist in weeks, and maybe that was why he felt so out of his depth now to the point he was standing on the wrong side of the railings. It was three in the morning, and all was quiet. Few street lights were still lit, and no traffic came past. Part of him was glad there was no one around to witness this, or stop him. Another part of him, a much smaller part, wished the Doctor would stop him. But the Doctor wasn’t real. There would be no one to save him this night.

Jay took a deep breath, steadying his fraying nerves, and stepped forward. He waited for the fall, to feel the air whipping past him. He waited for the blackness of the river to swallow him whole. It didn’t come. Instead, he felt his feet land on a solid surface with a soft _thump_ , and strong arms wrap around him. They drew him into warmth, out of the biting cold and shrewd wind, and doors closed behind him. An orange glow warmed his closed eyes, and his face was pressed against a scratchy material… not unlike tweed.

“I’ve got you.” The Doctor whispered, holding him close and tight until Jay wrenched himself away. He stared at the man that haunted him, eyes wide and face pale.

“Is this some kind of joke? What, I jump off a bridge and I die and then I have to spend the rest of the afterlife with you?” He hissed, shivering and angry on top of his burning misery. The Doctor shook his head and moved away, to a console of some description. It was then Jay noticed he was in a large room, with circular things in the walls and a glass floor in the middle, through which he could see cables and wiring that lead into the console. It was all bathed in a warm yellow-orange light, and it felt homely almost.

“It isn’t a joke. I saved you.” The Doctor said calmly, flicking some levers and pressing some nonsensical buttons. “It’s my fault you were there in the first place, and I had to fix it.”

“What are you talking about?” Jay said, shaking his head and running a hand through stressed hair. “I’m dead! This isn’t real!”

“You’re not dead.” The Doctor sighed, the pillar in the middle of the console moving and wheezing and groaning, before he turned and stared at the young man he’d saved. “I promise you, you’re not dead. It’s my fault you found yourself on that bridge because I’ve been watching you all these years. I kept coming back to see how you were, how you were doing and… well, if you’d forgotten me. I’d hoped you would, but with your reaction from that lecture I couldn’t be sure. Everyone else did in your class, but you didn’t and that _fascinated_ me. I wore a perception filter the whole time in that lecture and everyone else just went with it, but you saw straight through it which tells me that you _wanted_ to see me. Then I kept wearing it when I kept checking on you. In the streets, at that festival. Each time you saw me and it was because you wanted to see me.”

Jay stared, dumbfounded. The Doctor, the real Doctor, had been _following_ him? Keeping tabs on him? “It… you… it’s your fault that I was on that bridge?” He whispered in shock. All his theories about hallucinating were coming unravelled, and it scared him.

“Yes. I toyed with your life, kept letting you catch glimpses of me, see enough of me to follow. I ruined your life, your mental state and that was wrong. I ignored all of that for the sake of my own curiosity and fascination and I’m… I’m sorry.” The Doctor said finally, watching Jay carefully. “I won’t ask for forgiveness. I just wanted you to understand.”

Jay’s whole world was spinning, just like the first time he’d met this man who only looked a little older than himself. He could hardly wrap his head around the whole thing. He’d been driven to desperation, because of one man’s curiosity about him? Because he wanted to see him? He didn’t understand, and there was so much to unpack from this.

“What… what’s a perception filter?” He asked numbly, staring at the Doctor finally. The man blinked owlishly, before giving a chuckle.

“It’s a filter that stops you from seeing something as it truly is. It alters your perception and shifts your focus just enough so that you’re aware something’s there, but like you don’t want to know it’s there. Not invisible, just unnoticed.”

“And that’s what you used on me?”

“Yes. Believe me, I’m not happy with myself for doing it. But when I wore it in that lecture, you saw straight through it and you’ve never met me before. So immediately I was interested, it’s no small feat to just look straight through a perception filter. So I kept wearing it and kept coming back to see you, to test if it still worked. Every single time, you saw me. Straight away, even if it was just a glimpse and even if you thought you were hallucinating. The desire to see me was strong enough it pierced the perception filter each and every single time.” The Doctor smiled, and Jay couldn’t help but feel a small tingle of pride in his chest for catching the attention of such an eccentric character.

“So it was a test?” He asked, taking a few nervous steps forward towards the console and the mysterious Doctor.

“Yes. It was a test, albeit one that got… _very_ out of hand.” He almost looked ashamed. Jay found himself smiling despite the admission.

“You caught me though.” He said, “You found me there on that bridge and caught me, to apologise. That’s… that’s admirable. Though…” he said hesitantly.

“Yes?”

“How exactly did you catch me? I was on a bridge over a river and there were definitely no boats beneath me when I jumped.” Jay’s brow furrowed, a frown on his face.

“Ah, well. This is where things get weird.”

“Oh, only now?”

“Yep. Thing is, you’re standing inside my spaceship.”

“A spaceship?” Somehow that wasn’t the weirdest thing Jay had ever heard, especially not today.

“Yes, my spaceship. It’s called the TARDIS. It stands for Time And Relative Dimension In Space, pretty neat huh?” The Doctor was almost preening himself as he whizzed around the console and showed it all off, grinning again. “It can travel through time and space and it’s bigger on the inside, have I impressed you yet?”

Jay was speechless, looking around the giant room he was inside and listening to the steady whooshing the apparent engines seemed to be making.

“It’s incredible.” He breathed, looking back at the Doctor. “So all those things you were talking about in the lecture, about time travel and paradoxes, that’s all real? You can really travel in time and space?”

“Yep!” The Doctor laughed, flicking more levers and switches. “I can go wherever you want to go, see whatever you want to see. There’s a whole, infinite, bonkers universe out there ready to be explored! Now, my only question is, do you want to come with me?”

Jay went quiet, spinning and staring at the madman. “Me?”

“Yeah, you! I’ve toyed with your life to the point you felt it was worthless, and I would like to show you that it isn’t. I’d like to really make it up to you, if you’re willing. Travel with me, see the stars, see the sights, the days that never were and all the days that could be, can be and will be! What do you say?” The Doctor laughed, watching Jay stare at him in amazement.

“You have a _lot_ to make up for, mister.” He said, unable to keep the giant smile off his face. The Doctor laughed again, spinning a dial and throwing another lever in bubbling excitement.

“Great! Let’s go! By the way,” he said, head poking around the other side of the pillar in the middle of the busy console. “What was your name?”

Jay raised a brow. “You stalked me for five years and never thought to ask my name?” The Doctor seemed to blush a tiny bit at that.

“I was running an experiment! Besides, it was five years for you, a few hours for me. Time travel, remember?” He said, watching Jay go to complain and his mouth snap shut. He chuckled.

“Jay. Jay Blakemore.”

“Welcome aboard, Jay Blakemore!”


	2. Emergency Protocol 'Safe Haven'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something happens that shakes the Doctor and confuses Jay, and the TARDIS takes them both to visit some familiar faces in Victorian London.

So it turned out that the Doctor hadn’t been fully honest with Jay, but he wasn’t sure if he should be angry with the alien or just saddened.

After Jay had boarded the TARDIS, the Doctor had set about keying in coordinates into the console and was buzzing with such excitement it made Jay’s head spin – but in a good way this time. He was looking forward to his first adventure with the Doctor, and the Doctor had been looking forward to it as well. But it never occurred to Jay that the Doctor’s eyes held a sadness to them, an oldness to them that didn’t match his face. Such an impenetrable façade was only penetrated when they landed somewhere that wasn’t where the Doctor had intended them to go.

According to him, it was still the 21st century. Still modern day, present day, whatever Jay wanted to call it. It was like the TARDIS had been pulled off-course and when Jay stepped outside, he was confused. They were on a street in the middle of the night, opposite a house that had a front door the same colour as the TARDIS itself, the exact same blue. Outside was a red car that had been clamped, and parking notices were all over it. Even the house had notices pinned to the door, and all the lights were off inside. In fact, it looked as if no one had been home in a very long time.

“Doctor?” Jay called back inside the TARDIS, “Where are we and why are we here?”

“I don’t know, Jay,” The Doctor called back, “It’s like the TARDIS was just yanked off-course by something. There’s nothing weird-looking out there, is there?”

“Other than a house that has a door the same colour as the TARDIS, a red car with a clamp and a dozen parking notices on it, not really.” Jay said, offhandedly. Suddenly the Doctor was by his side, and grabbed his arm. “Doctor?”

When he looked at the Time Lord’s face, he saw fear and sadness building rapidly in his eyes.

“What’s wrong? What is it?” Jay asked in growing concern, gasping as the Doctor pulled him back inside the TARDIS and slammed the doors. He rest his hands against the doors, head bowed in what looked like _shame_ of all things. Shame and guilt. “Doctor. Where are we?”

The Doctor whispered something to himself, something Jay couldn’t quite catch, and he was growing nervous to keep pressing the stranger for answers. One of the levers on the console flipped itself and the TARDIS began shaking and dematerialising again, but the Doctor hadn’t set it to do anything. Immediately Jay grabbed hold of a railing to stop himself from falling over and stared at the Doctor. He still hadn’t moved from the door.

“Voice Interface Enabled.” The Doctor’s voice said, but he himself hadn’t spoken. Instead, a hologram had appeared next to Jay and looked just like the Doctor.

“Voice interface?” Jay echoed, staring at it.

“I am a projection of the TARDIS interface for you to communicate with. I have activated Emergency Protocol ‘Safe Haven’, in the event the Doctor is incapable of piloting me safely. In light of recent events, I am taking the Doctor to Victorian London where he shall be cared for in the absence of his own sense of self-preservation and care.”

With that, the hologram flickered away again and left Jay with the company of the silent man. He wasn’t sure what to say, only just understanding that the Doctor wasn’t okay right now. After a moment the Time Lord moved away from the doors and he had an unreadable expression on his face, but it was accompanied by tears and that made Jay quite afraid – a man with all the bravado the Doctor had was crying, and he didn’t know what to do.

“Doctor?” He whispered, staring him down and watching as the Doctor moved to the console quietly. “Doctor, what’s going on? Why are we going to Victorian London?” The time-traveller didn’t respond to him again, being knocked to the floor when the TARDIS landed roughly. The cloister bells chimed twice before the engines shut off. It looked like they weren’t going anywhere for a while, it would seem. The Doctor didn’t move from where he’d been knocked down and it was left up to Jay to move hesitantly to the doors.

When he opened them, he was shocked to see they were in a different place altogether from the street they were on. In fact, it rather looked like a dining room of sorts. A very Victorian-styled dining room. He stepped out nervously and looked around a little before hesitantly calling out.

“Hello? Is, uh, is someone there?” He called nervously, hearing footsteps approaching the room and the door flying open. A young lady stepped into the room and looked him up and down, going to ask who he was before her eyes set on the blue box behind him.

“Oh dear.” She muttered, running back out of the room again. “Ma’am! Ma’am, we have a matter in the dining room to attend with.” Her accent was a heavy London accent, and the voice that answered wasn’t quite so. It was hard to put a finger on it.

“Is it him, Jenny? I heard the engines, is it him?”

“Not quite, ma’am. Well, it is the TARDIS. But he hasn’t come out.” Jenny replied. The footsteps were coming back to the dining room and Jay wasn’t sure what to do with himself, looking back inside the TARDIS and seeing that the Doctor still hadn’t moved. A new figure entered the dining room with the maid, Jenny, and Jay’s jaw dropped a little way. She was _green_. She was green, and she was a lizard. _What?_

“Um,” He blinked a little, staring at the lizard-lady that had appeared before him in Victorian dress. “Can you, uh, can you help me?”

“Who are you?” The green lady demanded, looking like she was ready to fight him for simply being in her home. “Speak quickly and concisely, or I shall have you removed from the room and placed in the basement.” She said sharply, Jay swallowing and nodding. He took a moment to get his thoughts in order, before he spoke again.

“My name is Jay Blakemore. I just started travelling with the Doctor and the TARDIS got pulled off-course to another street in London, but something happened and now he isn’t responding. The TARDIS brought us here and said something about an emergency protocol, something called ‘safe haven’? That’s… that’s basically it.” He said, carefully moving aside as the green woman gestured for him to before she entered the ship.

“Just wait out here,” Jenny said, “Madame Vastra will see to the Doctor. She’s known him longer than you or I, so she’ll know how to help.”

“She’s a lizard.” Jay said dumbly, not entirely certain what to do with this information. Jenny smiled a little.

“She isn’t a lizard, love. She’s what’s called a Silurian, or homo-reptilia if you like. But her name is Madame Vastra, and she’s my wife.” Jenny smiled, and Jay found himself speechless. Already he was whirling through a million thoughts – one prominent one being that there were still people like him in Victorian times, gay people, lesbians, and the works. That was something that had been omitted in his history studies.

“Your wife?” He echoed, staring at Jenny in almost disbelief but was in fact utter relief and elation to know there were still others like him. Well, almost like him. Jenny watched him carefully, almost cautious.

“Now, if you’re gonna make a fuss-“

“No! Oh, no, no, please don’t get me wrong!” Jay said, quickly correcting himself and shaking his head with a smile. “It’s just that, well, I’m from the twenty-first century and people are still funny about that kinda thing. We were even taught in history that gay people and lesbian people existed in Victorian times, we were lead to believe it was all ‘recent history’, you know? To know there’s someone like me in Victorian times is… well, it’s amazing.” He smiled wide, bubbling with pride. Jenny went to reply but was cut short by Madame Vastra calling her from inside the TARDIS. Immediately she responded to her wife and moved inside the ship.

“Jenny, I’m afraid I’ll need your assistance here. We will need to get him to the guest room immediately. He isn’t responding to much stimuli and I can’t get a reason out of him as to why.” Vastra said calmly, already hooking an arm under the Time Lord’s and starting to raise him. Jay had followed Jenny, staring at the prone man by the Silurian.

“I’ll help you lift him.” He said quickly, “It’s my fault, I told him what was outside. The TARDIS got pulled off-course and he asked me what was out there. When I told him, he wasn’t happy to hear it.” He said, moving past Jenny and helping Vastra lift the Doctor up. Vastra nodded.

“Explain to me in a moment, dear, first we need to get him laid down and resting.” Jay winced a little at the use of dear but helped nonetheless. Jenny led the way, opening a door as they got the Doctor upstairs and helped them get him laid on the bed. Vastra left the room as Jenny got the Doctor comfortable, Jay standing awkwardly by his bedside. He watched Jenny move, and watched how quiet the Doctor was and how still he laid there. His eyes were still open and there were still tears coming from them, but he made no other movements. It was like he was catatonic.

Heavy footsteps came from behind Jay, sounding nothing like Madame Vastra’s steps. Then a deep voice spoke.

“Madame Vastra has requested your presence in the conservatory at once, boy.”

Jay turned to answer and was confronted with a short figure that looked like an honest to god potato. He found himself staring at something that was somehow stranger than seeing a lizard-lady from the dawn of time.

“Wh…” he started, Jenny touching his arm.

“That’s just Strax, he’s a Sontaran. Don’t worry, love, just go down to the conservatory and the Madame will explain everything to you there, alright?” She said gently, reassuring him that it was safe. Jay nodded and slowly followed the short troll-like creature in a suit downstairs. When they came to the conservatory, he saw it was full of plants and was rather hot. Then he saw Madame Vastra sat in a large wicker chair and he almost burst out laughing at how ridiculous this all was, almost convincing himself that he was still at home or asleep or had in fact died after stepping off that bridge and this was his personal, and very strange, hell. This was _insane_.

He took a seat opposite the Silurian, watching her sip from a glass that contained a red liquid. He really wasn’t sure if it was wine, like his mind initially supplied, and he wouldn’t quite put it past this strange creature to drink actual, honest to god blood.

“I imagine you have questions.” Madame Vastra said calmly, setting her glass back down and looking at Jay. He nodded. “What bothers you about this situation? Or rather, what are you having difficulty understanding?”

“Everything.” He said immediately. “Everything, right now. It feels like an hour ago, if that, I was stood on the side of a bridge and prepared to jump into a river, all because I met the Doctor well over five years ago and I hadn’t seen him since he crashed one of my lectures and then disappeared. I kept seeing him, out of the corner of my eye, _everywhere_. It drove me mad and I was stood. On a bridge. Prepared to kill myself because I couldn’t rationalise it! And then he steps in, saves me, and asks if I want to fly away with him and travel with him and I _agreed!_ I agreed to go! I wanted to go! He wanted to make it up to me and I said that I’d go with him! And now, I’m in Victorian London, talking to a lizard from the dawn of time and a god damn _potato-manservant,_ who is telling me that the lizard lady wants to talk to me while the alien I ran away with rests in the room upstairs after suffering some kind of mental breakdown because he saw an abandoned house and car on a street! Not to mention the fact that said lizard lady has a wife who’s also a maid in a time period that I would be _murdered_ in for just trying to be me, with perhaps more risk now than my own damn time period!”

Jay stopped finally and found himself panting, staring at Madame Vastra with wide eyes. “Can you see the difficulty I’m having with this?”

She was quiet a moment, sipping at her drink patiently, before nodding. “I can see the difficulty you are having with this.” Vastra said calmly, setting her drink down again and folding her hands together neatly in her lap. “However, we can only work through these things one at a time, do you understand?”

“Yes.”

“For one thing, may I ask how you fear being murdered in this era?”

Jay almost cringed back into his chair. While he was proud of who he was, he often found difficulty in talking about it openly to others. “I, uh… I don’t know if you are familiar with the term in this era…” he mumbled, cheeks a bit red. Madame Vastra raised a scaled brow.

“Then use a different way of explaining, that isn’t from your century.” She suggested.

“I, ah. Well, I was born… uh. Female.” He mumbled, scratching the back of his head. “I didn’t want to be, when I grew up. So…”

“Ah, I see. So you are trying to become male.” Vastra concluded, watching Jay nod and breathe a sigh of relief at her understanding of the matter.

“Yeah. Emphasis on the ‘trying’ bit.” He said, offering a small smile. Vastra chuckled gently.

“I understand. We will address you accordingly here, and you are in luck with Strax – he calls everything ‘boy’.” She said with a smile, Jay giggling softly at the notion. “We have means of making you fit your desired form better, and you needn’t worry too much about being murdered for being you here. If I, a reptile-person from the dawn of time, can get away with having a wife and a strange-looking manservant, then you will fit in just fine here.”

“Thank you. I’m glad that’s cleared up at least.”

“Good. Now, I think proper introductions are in order. I am Madame Vastra, from the Silurian race who occupied this planet long before your species did. The Doctor found me in a subway, attempting to bring harm to innocent tunnel-diggers, and told me many things that I shall never forget. He helped to reform me, to help me understand that the world I was in now had changed vastly and that my rage would not allow me to progress in it.” Vastra explained carefully, watching Jay’s expression go from confusion to gradual understanding as he processed the information.

“So you already knew the Doctor?” He asked quietly, watching her nod.

“Yes. I’ve known him for rather a long time, just as he’s known me. He introduced me to Jenny, and we aided him during a time when he needed us. Strax was also there.”

“Okay… Who is Strax?” Jay asked, settling back a little in his seat as he prepared to hear a history lesson and a half on this strange little group the TARDIS had taken them to.

* * *

 

When Madame Vastra and Jay were finished with their conversations in the conservatory, Jenny had come in to inform them both that the Doctor was coherent again. Jay was up in a flash, but held back a moment to allow Vastra to go first. After all, she knew the Doctor far better than he did since he was only acquainted with the glimpses of the Doctor he’d been practically haunted by for five years. When they reached his room, the Doctor was sat on the edge of the bed, knees together and hands in his lap. He looked tired, and his eyes still a little red from the crying.

“Doctor?” Vastra addressed carefully, entering the room and kneeling in front of him as best her dress would allow. “Are you feeling well?”

“Better.” He said, voice bordering on a whisper that was accompanied by a smile of sorts. Jay peered in behind Jenny, looking at him with concern etched all over his face. The Doctor met his eyes and smiled, standing carefully. “Hello, Jay. Sorry about all that.” Jay moved into the room, slowly approaching the Time Lord.

“Are you gonna be alright?” He asked gently, watching him straighten himself up.

“I will now, yes.” He nodded, chewing on his cheek for a moment. It was like he wanted to say something more. Fortunately for him, Vastra cut in.

“I do not think it’s wise for you to go gallivanting off around the universe just yet, Doctor. The TARDIS brought you here out of worry for your health, and something happened to trigger that whole event. I think it would be in everyone’s best interest if you were to stay here a little while.”

Jay looked over at her. “Are you sure? He said he was alright-“

“Rule one,” Vastra interrupted calmly, holding a hand up to hush Jay, “is that the Doctor lies. This is, unfortunately, no exception.” Jay withheld an argument; Vastra knew the Doctor better than he did, and he had to trust her to know what to do in this particular situation.

“Vastra, I really don’t need to stay here.” The Doctor said, almost pleaded.

“Old friend, I know that look in your eye. You have been hurt and you cannot run away from this wound forever lest it fester. You may be able to shake off most things that hurt you, but this one haunts you.”

The Doctor fell quiet at being called out in such a calm manner, eyes averted and looking at the floor. Any flair he’d greeted Jay with, almost enticed him with, gone. Jay could see himself in this man, and it broke his heart. He stepped forward and gently touched his arm.

“Doctor, she’s right.” He said carefully, Vastra taking a step back so he could speak. “You know how you found me, on that bridge, because something was haunting me? It drove me to that point because I couldn’t handle it properly, never mind that I went to see therapists. I can see that you’re struggling with the same thing now, in a way. Something terrible happened to you, something that makes you feel guilty or awful, didn’t it?” His tone was gentle and warm, care deep in his eyes. “You seem like a wonderful person, and I’ve only really known you at best a day. I want to run away with you and explore the stars, see whatever there is to see. But I can’t do that until you get better first, okay? You want to make it up to me, and you will. But not until you’re better.”

The Doctor looked up at him, looking into his caring blue eyes. “But I’ve trapped you here, in Victorian London.”

“No, you haven’t. I wanted to come, remember?” Jay reminded gently, “I’m here for whatever happens, Doctor. This isn’t your fault. The TARDIS brought us here because it recognised that you weren’t okay and it knew where to bring you so that you could get better. You’re here now, with these guys, to get better. When you’re better, we can run again, but not until then. Can you do that for me? Can you get better?”

Jay looked at the Doctor, deep into green-hazel eyes, and waited for his response. The Time Lord looked at him carefully, measuring him up, before he smiled a little.

“I can do that.” He said softly, patting Jay on the shoulder and following Madame Vastra down to the conservatory for a little chat.


End file.
